Weighting for Safety...

"Discipline is FREEDOM" ~Garth Fagan & others

I began this blog a while ago and lost track of it for several reasons. Although there is a part of me that followed the advice of a colleague (that a therapist should not have a public blog), I also think it was becoming too difficult to stay in the moment I had created. I now realize that there is a safety in "not knowing," "not facing," "not dealing," etc. But in my desire to remain safe, I got lost. I began to put my focus on the things that have been keeping me "safe" from myself, my misgiving, my fears, my faults. Well, I am BACK and let's see what we can do together eh?

The only safety for me is in FREEDOM!

Weighting for Relief...

"Stress is the physical and psychological effects we experience as a result of the way we react to changes in the surrounding environment" ~Pavel Stoyanov

When last I wrote (4 months ago) I was not stressed as much as IN SHOCK. I was trying to make sense of the death of my grandmother and what it meant for me and my family line. It's weird really, thinking of a "family line." What the heck does that even mean in a small, African American family dominated by women. Can you even have a a family line with only women?

This is a new thought and not at all in line with what I intended to write when I sat down. I'd decided to write about seeking relief from stress and worry, but it seems that it is out of my reach as I open the door to a topic (unplanned) about something that stresses me out.

What is left of our dysfunctional itsy bitsy, teenie weenie "family" with my grandmother gone? Even using the work "family" makes me itch a little. It is, by my eye, more a gathering of people who have a few common ancestors. It is sad in that I do not know if what I remember of my "family" is accurate. Have I re-drafted my family picture to portray what I would like it to have been? Loving, close, committed, dedicated to family values and each other. Often I think this is the case. I often sit back, take a good look at my family and wonder how I can be SO MUCH closer to my friends. So much closer to people that I share NO blood and NO common ancestors (mostly), no childhood Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays, communions, confirmations.....

It breaks my heart when I see other people with their families and they seem so close, they seem to understand each other, they seem to love each other and they seem to want to be together, even when its difficult.

**I do realize that the word seem comes up a lot here**

It breaks my heart when I think of what I was told my my mother : "family is important, its all you have," "your sister, she is all you have if I am not here." I guess the focus here is on my sister/s. They are in fact ALL I HAVE of my mother. They seem to be what holds me to this earth and to my definition of family.



But we are only 3.

And the weight of that....is often unbearable to me.


~weigh-in with words

Weighting.......

"Experience life in all possible ways -- good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter. Experience all the dualities. Don't be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more mature you become." OSHO

Dualities...

OSHO offers insight (as usual) into life experiences as represented by dualities or polarities as it were or should be. He offers that by doing this, by experiencing life in ALL POSSIBLE ways, we gain maturity.

Was it in fact meant for us to experience all these things ALL AT ONCE? The bitter and the sweet, the good and the bad, the dark and the light...

ALL AT ONCE?

Well, that is where I find myself. In the dark and the light, hot and cold, bitter and sweet. I feel as if I am experiencing these things all at once and it is NOT a good feeling.

It was with great anticipation that I welcomed the new year.

With a slow, but steady success rate in the weight loss battle,

approached 2011 as the year that I would MASTER many things.

Master my weight loss approach, Master my writing strategies, Master my therapeutic interventions, Master my relationships, Master my money management skills...and the list goes on.

Instead the new year began with huge losses.

On January 3rd I was terminated as a result of a Reduction In Force, a RIF as they call it.

Four days later I received a call informing me that my grandmother had died...

And then my car started making crazy sounds!

"I mean, really!?," I thought out loud.

"Seriously?"

I looked up in the direction of God and asked:

"Am I being punked?!"

It felt like NONE of this was really happening.

Actually, it felt more like it SHOULD NOT be happening.

Sadly, it was all very real.

All the pain, the confusion, the anger...the feelings of loss.

Still...I was able to experience a strange sense of peace...maybe a bit of balance & relief.

For a brief moment in time I was RELIEVED, RELEASED in a way...

...SHORT LIVED...

Of course there was also a sense of worry about what I would do next.

Who would hire me?

Would I be able to pay my rent?

My car note?

GEICO?!?

"...Don't be afraid of experience...the more experience you have the more mature you become..."

This new year has brought me yet another level of maturity (according to OSHO).

Maturity...as I drove up the New Jersey Turnpike to prepare for funeral arrangements...

Maturity...as I pumped myself up to walk into my grandmother's house knowing she would not be there....that she would never be there again...

Maturity...as I wondered how I was going to keep it together....how ANY of us were going to keep it together...

Maturity...as I walked off the elevator and faced the door: 5A, the door read....

Maturity...My life is forever changed...

Maturity...as I "weight" for the pain to pass and the peace to plant itself deep inside my chest.....

...our experiences: bitter/sweet, good/bad, dark/light...

...maturity...

...dualities...

...maturity...

~Weigh in with words

Weighting for Balance: Taking back my STUFF!

"Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff....and he doesn't even know he has it....hey come back here with my stuff" For Colored Girls

These lines from Ntozake Shange's choreopoem really resonate with me.

They always have.

From the day I heard them tumble from the mouth of a student actor at the University of Ghana, they have taken up residence in my heart, my mind and my soul.

I had never really thought about this phenomenon until I heard the words roll off her tongue. As I looked down at my copy of the script, I realized that it is a common occurrence for women in relationships. As I looked around at the women in the room, each of them reading along and looking up as the lines were delivered....each of them...remembering when it had happened to them...each of them...wondering if it was happening to them at that very moment, as they take part in this production...as they sit in this rehearsal room....was someone walking off with their "stuff?"

Recently, I heard the words again. This time I was sitting in a movie theater, watching the choreopoem come to life in afilm directed ny Tyler Perry.

"Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff...." the actress stated.

How often do we allow people to take things from us, (our dignity, our power, our choice, our confidence, our peace of mind) place them in a brown paper bag and

just

walk

off.......

sometimes leaving town with it.....OUR STUFF?

Leave town with OUR STUFF!??????

How often have we watched them disarm us, unhindge us, unravel us.....simply relieve us of our stuff and walk away...leaving us with nothing of what we were when we encountered them?

I have allowed someone or something to relieve me of my BALANCE.

They must have taken it when I had my back turned, creeping up behind me with silent steps and ZAP....just like that...it was GONE!

They caught me unaware, undefended, unmindful.

Someone just walked off with my balance and I want it back:

"Hey, come back here with my balance...I need it!" I need it to get through the day...today, tomorrow and the next.

"Hey man, come back here with my balance...I was planning on using it this week."

"Did you ask to take it, did you leave me a receipt?! "

I am coming to take back my stuff and you betta' be ready!


I hit the 5% weight loss goal.....12 POUNDS!

Weigh in with words!

A Fern by any other name.....

I think of my mother often. She was a Capricorn. She was the youngest sister of 3. She was raised in Brooklyn, NewYork. She was sassy. She was funny. She was so many things and I want to remember all that she was with words, sights and sounds.

It's funny when you begin to think of someone who has died, often you begin with the "good" memories and as you flip through you are often confronted with the other "not so good" memories. That is not actually the case here. I mean, it is not to say that my mother was an agel (becasue she was not), but the fact of the matter is that she was MY angel. She was many things to me that she was not to others and I have decided to make no apologies about that. I remember my mother the way I remember her...that is what makes her MINE. She is MINE in that I rememebr her in my way, on my terms.... That is how memories are....they are shaped and colored, positioned and propped up by individual context.

I was thinking about her becasue my sister told me that she dreams of her often. I cannot remember ever dreaming about her except on the night I found out that she was dead. I dreamed of her then and only then. Never again.

I was on the Canary Islands (Gran Canarias)visiting a very good friend. I had retired to my room for the night and in my sleep I heard her calling me: "Neshia..." It was weird really, I felt the wind blowing through the room (was a window open?). I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the foot of the bed...."I love you." That is all I remember. I do not know if that is an accurate memory, but it is what I have. I remember thinking, "that was weird."

Why am I doing this you might ask?

I am doing this for her mother who has lost her, for her sister who has loved her, for her friend who is without her, for her grandson who misses her and for her grandaughter who will never know her.

Finally, I am doing this for her lovely daughters, for they remember her....differently.

Weighting....again

"No doubt you've had times in your life when you've totally understood the expression: There but for the grace of God go I. Attempt to be that grace of God, and extend it to all you believe have wronged you." Wayne Dyer

October 11th is the 284th day of the year. On this day I am invited by my guru: Wayne Dyer to extend God's grace to those who have wronged me.

What if it's ME who has wronged me?

That is what I thought when I finished reading the passage. I feel a terrible sense of....blame/criticism of myself. I feel that I have wronged myself. I am still quite off track....having falling of the proverbial wagon one might say. I have lost my way. I am weighting again...OH NO!

"What has happened?" I ask myself.

I am pulled back into my new favorite book Eat, Pray, Love. I remember the words:

"I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was. I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair?"

I remember this part of the book, because I was so worried that the depression and loneliness would come back and drag her down into the deepest whole and in Italy of all places where she has found a huge part of herself. Where she has began her journey of healing.
Sigh....this is how I have been feeling lately....like the fat demons of weigh gain have tracked me down. Not letting me up off the ropes....knocking me down with a 1, 2 punch....a TKO if you will. I too feel like I have been at this weight-thing like it is the fight of my life....and like Liz Gilbert:

IT IS! IT IS! IT IS!

I began this blog as part of my study. To examine the roots of all this weight. To unthread it all....the pain, the loss, the anger...the WHATEVER THE HELL THE PROBLEM IS!
WHAT IS IT?!
It has NEVER been easy for me...this fight. I often feel that I come to the ring ill-equip to stand my ground. I mean, weight gain seems to have been at this way longer than weight loss.

It is not about being trained for the fight, it is about being equip to enter the training ring and having the stamina to remain standing!



I am in search of God's grace for ME! I need to extend his grace out towards myself for the wrong doing I feel I have inflicted upon myself. I spend everyday taking care of people, asking how they are, looking into their pain and reflecting back the possibility of peace and happiness.

I must do this for Wyneshia....I must become my MOST VALUED client.

Weigh-in with words!

Weight a Minute!

"Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And it, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another". OSHO on Transformation

So its been a FULL month since last I "weighed in" with my own thoughts and comments. In my last post I was "Weighting for Inspiration." Why?

Well I was felling uninspired in many ways. I have not been to WW in a few weeks, but I did manage to get to a "yoga" class. Why the " "marks you might ask. Well, it was the oddest class I had ever been in and I am NOT going back! I have not been "back" to many things in this month. I have not been "back to yoga," or "back to hip hop", or " back to WW," or "back to writing." I have not been BACK AT ALL...except maybe back sliding!

So, I turn to my handy dandy OSHO Tarot for some inspiration and find this card on Transformation: "....in its own time...takes you from one dimension into another." I like the sound of that. I am in need of a dimension shift. It sounds like a paradigm shift right? Well whatever it is...I need it bad!

I have been on hold for a minute and I need to be reengaged, plugged back in...I need to join the program already in progress......

To bring this idea home I am compelled to re-visit the work of Iyanla Vanzant in Until Today.

"I am not receptive to the idea that I am capable of doing everything better the next time. The prefix re means to do again. What a blessing! Just think, you can re-peat a lesson, at no charge, until you get it right. You can re-group after a setback, in order to gather your wits and your strength." Iyanla Vanzant

WHAT A BLESSING!

There has been a SETBACK and I need to RE-GROUP....WHAT A BLESSING!

I am ready for NEXT TIME: NOW!

Weigh in with words!

Weighting for Inspiration

"There is no way to be in-Spirit without a changed awareness -So when you accomplish this, you give yourself the gift of moving from being flawed, limited, lacking, and imperfect to being completely comfortable with your magnificence" ~Wayne Dyer

I recognize that I am not in this place yet. I often think that I have a changed awareness and maybe sometimes that is true.

I also recognize that this is EXACTLY where I WANT to be...AT ALL TIMES.

In Spirit.

Completely comfortable with my own magnificence.

"God dwells in me AS ME..." Elizabeth Gilbert

I am reminded of that line from Eat Pray Love....what a comforting thought to remember at the very moment that I begin to dive into the land of self loathing and disappointment...chiding myself for what I have or have not done this week or the last.

God dwells in me AS ME...in all my imperfections I remain a child of God....worthy of his love and the love of others, the love of self. Hmmmmmm.............where the heck did THAT come from?

An interesting place, the mind, very interesting place. Many winding roads, forks, unpaved paths and overgrown labyrinths.

When I went to sleep last night I decided that Monday would be FRESH START (Take 105) on the weigh loss journey----I realize that it REALLY IS a J-O-U-R-N-E-Y. I mean, SERIOUSLY, a perpetual journey in many ways----I decided that I would eat "the good eat" in this battle (oops, I meant JOURNEY) of better eating and better living! I decided that eventhough the Biggest Loser ended and I was not by any stretch of the imagination "The BIggest Loser," I was determined NOT to FEEL like a LOSER....a real loser ( and not of weight I might add).

Sooooooooooooooooo, off I went to work and I almost lost it around lunch time when I decided to go with a co-worker tp Panera for lunch. Well Iwas ableto make it thorugh with the "You Choose 2" menu. I chose the Chicken Ceaser sandwich ( LUV SANDWICHES) and the Chicken Cobb salad....

...."whew....I made it" I thought as I sat down with a cup of ice water(yay me!).

After a GREWLING day I decided to head home bc I was STARVING! I drove toward my house thinking to myself "I can miss the Weight Watchers meeting tonight (I haven't been in several weeks), I am soooo tired and today was a BUST." Then a tiny voice said loudly: "COWARD!"

"Who me?" I replied

"Yeah you, who else is in this car dumbass?!"

"Well, I am not a coward, I am just soo tired and I have a headache." I responded defensively

"SO what," the voice replied, "you had a heachache this morning and you will have the SAME headache later, GO ANYWAY!" the voice commanded.

"But, I...." I stammered.

"If you chicken out now, it will be another week missed, because the rest of the week will be IMPOSSIBLE." the voice reminded me.

Dang it....I went and I was DOWN .8lbs

I sighed.

"That's almost a pound" The lady at the front desk reminds me....

"Yes, you are right...almost a pound."

Today's Weight: 238.2 (Total weight loss 10.2 lbs)

Weigh-In with words via the Blog or email! Hearing from you let's me know that I am NOT a LONE traveler!

Weighting on Mr. Fagan

"Spiritual teachers have raised the vibrational frequency of their daily lives, to the point where they're able to provide inspiration to others merely by their presence, and this is the standard to which you need to inspire." ~Wayne Dyer

Providing inspiration to other simply by being near them...this is something that I experienced when I met Garth Fagan. It's kind of weird. As an artist, you often have someone to whom you aspire to be like, or someone whose work you aspire to simulate/imitate. I remember watching an Alvin Ailey performance and thinking: "Dear God, please make me that good!" When I met Mr. Fagan I thought, "Dear God, please make me that influential, that creative, that DRIVEN!" I had already been a part of the Dance Department after being coerced into auditioning. So of course I thought that I would IMMEDIATELY meet this choreographic genius. I mean, isn't this what my HS dance teacher sent me here for? Geez!

It was actually years before I would actually see Mr. Fagan on the campus and it would be moths after that sighting that I would be blessed with an opportunity to take his class. I cannot tell you how AMAZING this whole thing was. He arrived for the first day of class in his jumpsuit and this weird hat and I thought: "See, only a TRUE artistic genius could wear a hat like that andget away with it!" I felt like I was in the prescene of royalty. I mean, in the Rochester dance community I was taking class with the King of everything PHENOMENALLY dance and culture.

I was shocked (sad really) when he did not return to class until we were close to taking our midterm. Woah!

The class had been taught by a small contingency of the company and they were FLAWLESS. NO, seriously, they were flawless. It was AMAZING to see them move, it was like watching paint being pured from one can into the next, over and over and over again. And they could count like nothing I had ever seen/heard in my life. There is no such thing as even counting in Fagan dance. There are only the oddities of 7's and 5's and sometimes a 1 to throw you into an anxiety filled frenzy of thoughts and limbs. I was in HEAVEN! I mean, I was being challenged to think, feel and see all at once. It was like coming home! Although I felt that way, I also remember thinking that he would never accept me into his company because all of his dancers were slim and tall. I was neither of those things, but I loved to dance and NOTHING was going to change that.

So when he came into the studio, unannounced as he often did, I almost threw up! I tried to play it cool, as did every other student, but it was impossible to concentrate on the combination. It was especialy difficult becasue PJ was adding movement and even more bizarre counts! "Why, oh why did he have to show up today?!" He watched silently with his eyes and sometimes he wuld whisper into the ear of one of the company members and we all hoped he was talking about us just as we were praying he wasn't. Did he think we were good, bad, sad, without hope? What was he thinking? Looking back on all the times he entered the studio (few, but memorable), I don't think I ever learned what he was thinking. Well, actually I think that maybe he was looking for that raw talent that he could shape into flawless perfection. And when he was done shaping and molding, he would pour that flawless perfection onto the performance stage.

Once, after class he said: "Good job Wy."

Garth Fagan raises the vibrational frequency of dance and life, he inspires, simply by being present in the moment. Thank God for that!

Weighting in the Wings 2.3

"I am burdened with what the Buddhist call the 'monkey mind'-- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl" Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I too am burdened with Monkey Mind! I apologize and take FULL responsibility for this. I hope that you will forgive me and CONTINUE to read my blog in all its GLORIOUS disjointedness.

I left the last entry with a comment about standards and the image of me as a viola player:

I began to play the Viola in 6th grade I believe. I was a student at Seth Low Intermediate School 96 (I.S. 96). My teacher's name was Michael Kushel. Mr. Kushel was a great guy and he wanted us to play, but sadly he never taught us to read music....I will NEVER understand that. It was not like we were incapable of learning....Duh. Anyway, when I entered HS I continued to play, memorizing pieces and writing in notes on sheet music.

While in HS, I auditioned for a place in the All City Orchestra. I was so serious about that opportunity that I convinced my father to pay for me to take private lessons with a Viola teacher in Sheepshead Bay (Brooklyn, NY). I think her name was Ms. Epstein. She was a lovely old woman…a very, very, very old woman. She LOVED children and she was a wonderful teacher. She taught me how to read music…well she TRIED. We focused on one piece of music that I would play at the audition. Every weekend I either traveled by train or was dropped off at her house with my borrowed Viola...I played and played and played.

When I arrived for the audition at Julliard, there were sooo many kids there (including Ed, the first chair from my school). I don't remember being worried about them at all. I remember thinking it was GREAT that Ed was there too! I played the piece that I’d memorized (maybe the New World Symphony) and then they said “Alright Ms. Hicks please play this piece.” Sight reading...I was DOOMED!

I did not get into the All City Orchestra, but Ed did! Wow…we were all so very proud of him. A Kid from our school in the All City orchestra?

What is the point, you may ask:

I never even thought TWICE about NOT really being able to read music. What the hell was I even doing at Julliard? I mean really?

I was determined and unafraid.

Determined and UNAFRAID. That is what I remember about myself.

Current Weight: 239 Yikes!


Weigh-In with words!

Weighting in the Wings Take 2.2

Greetings!

Here is the bad news:

My last post was on June 22nd. I have not written since then because I was drafting a post that was very close to my heart and it was lost. It was a post filled with such honesty and raw feeling. What I uncovered in that post are things that I think I may have been hiding from myself for years. When that entry was lost I was deflated and discouraged.

Here is the good news:

I'm back!

Last time I wrote: “I often felt that I was on the periphery of the circle of "real dancers," but I always felt like a pretty good dancer. That is a weird thing to say. I mean, as I look back on those words I had written, I realized that this is a bigger issue than I have been really willing to acknowledge. I ALSO realized that this was not the first time I have written these words. I wrote them for the first time in a Facebook message to a girl I danced with in High School. I am not sure what her reply was, but it was something along the lines of "you're crazy, it was never like that."

Was I crazy? Was it never like that? Hmmmmmmmm......well here is more f what I DO remember.

When I finally sat down with my teacher to discuss college dance programs, he mentioned SUNY Brockport. He told me that Garth Fagan taught there. I knew Garth Fagan, he was from Jamaica, began a company called The Bottom of the Bucket AND he was the choreographer of the Lion King which was on Broadway. He said that I should go there and study with him.

Me?

Study with Garth Fagan?”

"How was I supposed to do that?" I mean, even though I felt that I had a pretty good handle on dance, was it firm enough to study with a Master like Garth Fagan? Even to me, that seemed a bit too ambitious. I mean, I wanted to keep dancing, but I was not sure about all that. I had given up a lot for dance, but I was still a little unsure about going to school for dance. I was so convinced that dance was what I needed to do that I left the orchestra to focus on dance full time.

I knew that it was never something I was going to be able to afford outside of school, but that never made a bit of difference to me. I had the BEST teacher in NYC as far as I was concerned. He made sure that we had as many opportunities as possible. He arranged for us to take Ballet at the Henry Street Settlement and brought in prominent choreographers to set work on us. At that time I did not realize that there were people who had been dancing since they were 3 yrs old. I did not know that I was starting “late.” I mean, I felt like my life had just changed, I felt like I had been reborn....reborn to dance!

Before I looked into SUNY Brockport, I had a dream of attending NYU's Tisch School of the Arts. I always had a high standard for myself with relation to my art; take my years as a viola player for example......

Here is my current Weight: 237 lbs.

What do you think?
You can WEIGH IN with words via the Blog or in an email: dance_yneshia_2005@yahoo.com

Weighting in the Wings Take 2

I am PISSED...typed an ENTIRE entry that was LOST by a single key stroke...and after the DREADED key stroke the fucking system SAVED the BLANK document! SHITBALLS!

STAY TUNEDFOLKS!

Weighting in the Wings

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it...You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

"Just keep swimming" Dorie

Participate RELENTLESSLY in the manifestation of your own BLESSINGS! I am not sure where in the book this quote appears, but it is ONE of my favorites. I mean...can you get any more passionate than RELENTLESS PARTICIPATION? I think not!

Have I relentlessly participated in my weight loss? I am not sure. I have relentlessly participated in dance. OH YES! Now THAT was relentless participation. That level of participation yielded the most wonderful results: ABSOLUTE HAPPINESS! This weight on the other hand.......well that has often ONLY yielded the most painful of pains. The most miserable of losses: the dance.

WHY you might ask?

Well where I came from (in dance) FAT did NOT equal dancer...at least not at the undergraduate level. High School was an interesting time for a young overweight dancer. I have kept this down and quiet, but I remember a girl choreographed this FIERCE dance hall piece (Reggae) to Buju's Dickie Dickie song (FIERCE I remind you). I had the dance down and I just knew I would be in the piece. Now, if you know ANYTHING about dancehall pieces or dance halls you will know that there is often very little on the dancer. Soooooooooooooo, when the student choreographer chose her costumes (koochie cuter shorts and beaded bras) it was CLEAR that I would NOT be dancing in that piece. THAT and the fact that the teacher calmly said to me: "you would not want to be on stage with that on...trust me."

Although I am paraphrasing, he made it very clear to me that I would not fit into THAT costume. And I KNEW damned well that I did NOT want to be on a HS stage bulging out of my costume. That knowledge did not ease the pain I experienced because I was TOO BIG for the costume. I look around (in my mind) the room of my memory and I see ONLY 1 or 2 other "Big" girls in the class and only 1 other "big" girl in the Ensemble. I wonder how I was able to continue dancing. I mean I was NEVER smaller than the Large (size) in anything.

God, it was TERRIBLE, but it never stopped me.

I auditioned for the HS Dance Ensemble and made it in.

I was in the large scale Ensemble pieces and often was able to choreograph (not my greatest strength)a few pieces, take Master classes with all guest choreographers...I was "just like everyone else" in sooooooo many ways except one: I was fat. It never stopped me from dancing.....just held me back from certain pieces. If left me waiting in the wings.

I often felt that I was on the periphery of the circle of "real dancers," but I always felt like a pretty good dancer. It's weird to think of it that way. I guess I knew that I was not slim like the others, but I also knew that I was NOT a bad dancer. And when the teacher told me about college dance programs he told me about SUNY Brockport. He told me that Garth Fagan taught there. He told me that Gath was Jamaican and had begun his company in NYC and that he has choreographed the Lion King on Broadway. He said I should go there and try to study with him. Me? Study with Garth Fagan?

......to be continued....

Oh yeah: Last week I was UP 2.2 (240)lbs and this week I was DOWN 2.2 lbs (238.8).

Weigh Overboard

Greetings!
It has been several week and I have been splitting my time between work and road trips. Road trips are code for CHEATING! A road trip is (for me) like deciding that you will ride the bus with your leg/arm or half your body hanging out of the bus window. I mean really....here I am, "on" the bus but I am kinda hanging out of the bus also! I will explain more about this in a moment (I was caught up in the land of metaphor...or something)

My sister, her baby and I hit the road to NYC on July 3rd in preparation for a family gathering on July 4th. With the food journal in my bag, (AKA: my written confessions of the good, the bad and deliciously chocolate) I headed up 270 toward Gettysburg, PA and parts further North. I cannot tell you what I ate, but I can tell you that it was NOT prepared at home and it had NOTHING to do with lettuce, fruit or anything as healthy as all that! I do not think that we were actually armed with ANYTHING that would have been helpful to me except WATER!

We stopped in Dillsburg, PA at the Giant Supermarket where we purchased these would-be delicious chicken breast and cheese sandwiches. The good news is that they were freshly prepared but the bad news; Well they were prepared in this terribly sweet bread and there as sooooooooo much meat I could barely bite the thing without unhinging my jaw! It was a BUST but we had to eat something right...? By the time we landed on Fulton Street I was starved and I had to pee! After stopping in Lane Bryant, Conway, the Children's Place, Macy's Rainbow and Dr, Jay's, we were ready to head upstate to Kelli's....but first: when downtown Brooklyn you MUST eat from a street vendor! Soooooooooooo, I had a shish kebob and a Pepsi (notice I left out the diet part) and Ashley had a hotdog and!

Once we reached Kelli's it was smooth sailing: Grilled chicken and steak with salad and water/wine and MORE WATER! Sunday morning it was eggs and a bagel (Gotta love NY bagels) with coffee and MORE WATER! Lunch was left over food from grill (hot dog) and then it was off to the July 4th cookout! Upstairs we head to put on our clothes and we hit the road, get lost arrive late and after all the food was put away! WHAT THE HECK?! Anyway we are saved by my aunt who gets us 2 plates of food: ribs, candied yams, collard greens, bakes ziti and cornbread stuffin'! OMG can you say CHEATING? I mean I was no longer even on my seat in the bus; I had FALLEN OUT OF THE WINDOW for Christ’s sake!

So, I will save you the drama of the trip home that should have taken 5/6 hrs but instead took 9hours in 101 degrees!

I arrived back home and missed bit the Monday class and the weigh in but on Wednesday I went to the Weigh in and the results:

239!
SHIT!
DAMN!
YAY!

Well, I guess I should be glad that there was NOT a gain with all the MADNESS I was eating!

More on this for Monday's weigh-in!

See you then!

Stay tuned!

We Can't Weight

We can't wait for the doctor to say: "Ms. Hicks, you have Diabetes" to lose weight....or can we? What EXACTLY are we waiting for? I mean really, we know what's up. We know what is going on and still we wait, and wait and wait and wait. We wait for "something" to happen. And when that "something" happens THEN and ONLY THEN do we get on the weight loss bus. It is just like a bus....people getting on and off at "their stop." People deciding that the ride it too long and that they would rather get the express bus (pills, smoothies, surgery etc.). Others decide to get off the bus and WALK...Woah...good luck to those people.

Well I am on the bus AGAIN.....This time I have divided my ride between 2 buses. This is what I lovingly refer to as the 2-fare zone. A term you use when your commute causes you to pay your fare TWICE! Sooooooooo, I am in a 2-fare zone. The
1st fare is being paid to Weight Watchers and the 2nd fare is being paid to Montgomery County for the Biggest Loser Challenge.

On Monday you will recall that I weighed in at 241lbs. and kept it movingas wel say. Well today I FINALLY made it to a Weight Wacthers Meeting to weigh in and surround myself with others on the Local Bus to Weight Loss. As I stepped on the scale I told the woman at the desk that I had been having a hard time staying on track, that I had not been to a meeting in several weeks. "I am ready for you to step on the scale." Was she saying "get over yourself fatty and FACE THE MUSIC"? Hmmmmmm......

"You're down 2.6 today, " she says. "WTF?" (I say this in my head b/c she looked like a very nice lady). Out loud I say NOTHING and simply smile. I am SHOCKED! Shefinally says: "You know, I was not a a perfect weight watcher andI still lost the weight. I lost it slower than I would have liked, but I DID lose it and so will you. I just had to come to terms with the fact that I was not going ot follow the plan perfectly and get over it. I had to accept myself as I was...not perfect. I was much happier then and I still lost the weight....Just think you are down over 8 lbs Wyneshia....that's almost 10 lbs."

As I moved into the meeting space, a woman turned around to see who had come in....she is in the Biggest Loser Challenge....Ah Haaaaaaaaaaaa!

Weight: 239 lbs

The Weighting Game

Sooooooooooooooooooo, it’s Week 2 and I am waiting to be "weighed-in." I am wondering if I have lost any weight, knowing that I have been CHEATING. Oooooooo the wonderfully dangerous world of cheating. It is an addiction I admit. I have a Love-Hate relationship with cheating. I love to do it, but I hate it when it’s over. I have tried to "quit" cheating...."dump" it I mean. I have tried to kick cheating to the proverbial curb! Alas, it finds me again. Time and time again, cheating worms its way back into my life. Such a slippery little sucker that cheating! DAMMIT! As soon as I think I have that habit kicked....it creeps up again, and again, and a again and again.

So, with all this prep, you can imagine what happens when I step on the scale: "Hmmmm....," she says. "Let me see your food journal lady." And I am like "Shit..." "You owe me a dollar," she says. So as I look at the scale the new weight is: 241. Now typically this would cause my spirits to spiral down a long, dark, winding PIT OF DESPAIR. But Nooooooooooooooooooooooo, I am a "big girl" and I knew what would happen if I did not stick to the plan and I did NOT stick to the plan in a BIG way! Soooooooooooooooooo, no more RICE for me....and I LOVE rice almost as much as I love cheating! Hahahahaha!

I managed to get in a better mood with the help of the Cardio Hip-Hop class which was PACKED! Goodness! It was yet another GREAT class. There are so many people in there at different levels and most of the girls in there are young white girls with tight bodies, protruding bones and a pretty good handle on how to stick out their butts (LOL). The rest of us are early/mid 30's to early/mid 60's.....Now this is MY CREW seriously! My partner in the class in a tall black woman who must be at least in her late 30's. She is a wonderful person who is always giving me tips on how to get the weight off and keep it that way! Her spirit is light and warm and she is on the Blue Team as well! I am looking forward to seeing her every week in class b/c she never gives up and she gives it her ALL!

Well, I am tired.

Dinner report: Chicken leg quarter with a HUGE bowl of salad (olive oil dressing) and Diet Coke! NO rice to be seen.

Weight: 241

Weighting in Vain?

So, today was the FIRST weigh-in at Studio-310. I was worried about what the results would be because I was less than "good" this week. As I stepped on the scale Liz says: "What eating plan are you on?" I stuttered a little "uhhhhh....Weight Wathcers?" "That's great" she said, "I love Weight Watchers!" As I weight for the numbers I am thinking: "don't worry self, you will pull it back together this week for sure!" "240" she says. "240?" I think..."huh?" "Are you sure?" She showed me the numbers she wrote down on the paper: 240lbs....Wow! I am soooooo proud!

Sooooooooooooooo, that means 2 lbs down and 14 more to go! YES!

We decided to stay for the Cardio Hip-Hop class, which Liz taught herself. It was a GREAT class...it started a bit fast for me, but my body was right there....meeting me half way! It was WONDERFUL to be dancing again, near people who were all there for the SAME REASON: to lose weight and fell better about themselves.

"If you're not sweating, you're npt dancing" she calls out "oh I'm sweating Liz," reply. "Is she serious?" My cousin asks. "Yup, seems so," I answer and we are off to the races....I think I may have stopped moving for all of 5 minutes during the whole class! OMG! It was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOD to be back!

The Weight is Over

This evening I went to Studio 310 in Gaithersburg to begin the Biggest Loser Challenge of Montgomery County with my cousin. I have been looking for a way to lose weight within a supportive space. Well I really think that Studio 310 is that place. There were a ton of people there tonight. I was not really expecting that many people to be there, but it was very cool!

It was weird at first because there was a class going on as we entered the studio and I was a bit confused. At first I thought:"are we in the wrong place on the wrong day?" "What the heck is this class about?" So, I checked the schedule and it was a Zumba class....well....I could not figure out what the heck Zumba was supposed to be. I had always heard that it was a GREAT class and I was a bit confused (there was a lot of that going around) by what I saw. Let's just say that I had to "check my judgments at the door"

LITERALLY!

Looking back on it I think it is a good place for me to begin getting back into dance I think. It was kind of basic and I could identify some of teh foot work...it was a bit weird I MUST admit! Anyway, back to the challenge meeting.

There were soooooooooooooooo many of us and we joined under the Blue Team which meets every MONDAY evening for the next 8 weeks to weigh-in and....well WHO KNOWS??!?!?!I was NOT completely sure what Liz has in mind but I know that I am READY FOR WHATEVER! We were asked to pick a "Code Name,” seriously? A code name? COME ON LIZ! Well I discovered that they chart your weight and I guess having your "Code Name" up with your weight gains and losses will be a bit better than a huge sign that says: WYNESHIA is blankity blank pounds!"

SO, I guess at this point you may be wondering: "How much does this girl weight anyway?" I have been debating whether or not I will release my weight on this blog. I mean really......do I want my weight broadcast all over the internet? Well.....HELL NO, but....I think I want to see this as a pretty honest endeavor so here it is....drum roll please..............242.2. Whew.....I did it!

I am 242.2 lbs and I am setting a weight loss goal of 16 lbs at the end of the 8 week challenge. That would mean that I am losing 2 lbs every week. Can I do it!>!>>! YES I CAN! AT the end of this challenge: I CLAIM A 16 lbs WEIGHT LOSS placing me at 226 lbs!

WISH ME LUCK!

Why weight?

What is it about weight that so many of us are slave to it? Or are we a slave to food, our emotions and society's standards? Well, I am not sure but what I do know is that I AM SICK OF IT! Really, I am SICK of it! I am sick of the battle with weight; too much weight and too little motivation....too much prep and too little success! What the heck?! I feel like I get all pumped about a particular strategy and follow it for a few days, maybe a week at best....and then *BAM!!* I am back to my old habits! Are you KIDDING ME?! This is a NEVERENDING story! Well on June 25th I am joining aweight loss challenge in Montgomery County....wish me luck!

The Weight Project

Well I have NEVER done anything like this, but it was suggested by one of my dearest friends soooooooooooo, here goes nothing!

Big Girl

What is this anyway? What does it mean? “I’ve been a big girl for as long as I can remember.” That is what I tell people all the time. Why do I tell them that? I think it’s because I want to give them permission to think I am fat without feeling too bad a bout it. I think that if I call myself fat first then it won’t be so bad that they are already thinking it. So what? What if they DO think that? Isn’t that true? Ain’t I fat? I mean really, I AM fat shit! WTF?! “I have been fat all my life” that is another one I tell people. But THAT IS NOT TRUE! In fact, if the truth be told, as a matter of fact (all things I LOVE to hear ppl say) I have NOT been a BIG girl or FAT all my life. I look at pics of myself and in these pics I am NOT FAT. I was “skinny” is that what I would call myself? I was “average” Whatever you want to call it, whatever I want to call it, IT was and is not fat!
So when did this journey start? "The fat journey" I think I want to call it. When did the fat journey begin…my love affair with being fat and feeling HORRIBLE? Well I don’t think that they are synonymous….fat AND horrible. In fact (there it is again). I only began to feel HORRIBLE when I began to dance. BIG SURPRISE huh? Well the surprise is that it did not stay, that horrible feeling. I can remember being 145pounds in high school. Or maybe it was 140...the point is that I was FAT then. I was given the choice to skip regular gym class and take volley ball, gymnastics or modern dance. Being the dork that I was could not dance and never went to parties, so I opted for the modern dance class. BEST mistake I ever made! Well, sort of.