A Fern by any other name.....

I think of my mother often. She was a Capricorn. She was the youngest sister of 3. She was raised in Brooklyn, NewYork. She was sassy. She was funny. She was so many things and I want to remember all that she was with words, sights and sounds.

It's funny when you begin to think of someone who has died, often you begin with the "good" memories and as you flip through you are often confronted with the other "not so good" memories. That is not actually the case here. I mean, it is not to say that my mother was an agel (becasue she was not), but the fact of the matter is that she was MY angel. She was many things to me that she was not to others and I have decided to make no apologies about that. I remember my mother the way I remember her...that is what makes her MINE. She is MINE in that I rememebr her in my way, on my terms.... That is how memories are....they are shaped and colored, positioned and propped up by individual context.

I was thinking about her becasue my sister told me that she dreams of her often. I cannot remember ever dreaming about her except on the night I found out that she was dead. I dreamed of her then and only then. Never again.

I was on the Canary Islands (Gran Canarias)visiting a very good friend. I had retired to my room for the night and in my sleep I heard her calling me: "Neshia..." It was weird really, I felt the wind blowing through the room (was a window open?). I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the foot of the bed...."I love you." That is all I remember. I do not know if that is an accurate memory, but it is what I have. I remember thinking, "that was weird."

Why am I doing this you might ask?

I am doing this for her mother who has lost her, for her sister who has loved her, for her friend who is without her, for her grandson who misses her and for her grandaughter who will never know her.

Finally, I am doing this for her lovely daughters, for they remember her....differently.

Weighting....again

"No doubt you've had times in your life when you've totally understood the expression: There but for the grace of God go I. Attempt to be that grace of God, and extend it to all you believe have wronged you." Wayne Dyer

October 11th is the 284th day of the year. On this day I am invited by my guru: Wayne Dyer to extend God's grace to those who have wronged me.

What if it's ME who has wronged me?

That is what I thought when I finished reading the passage. I feel a terrible sense of....blame/criticism of myself. I feel that I have wronged myself. I am still quite off track....having falling of the proverbial wagon one might say. I have lost my way. I am weighting again...OH NO!

"What has happened?" I ask myself.

I am pulled back into my new favorite book Eat, Pray, Love. I remember the words:

"I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was. I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair?"

I remember this part of the book, because I was so worried that the depression and loneliness would come back and drag her down into the deepest whole and in Italy of all places where she has found a huge part of herself. Where she has began her journey of healing.
Sigh....this is how I have been feeling lately....like the fat demons of weigh gain have tracked me down. Not letting me up off the ropes....knocking me down with a 1, 2 punch....a TKO if you will. I too feel like I have been at this weight-thing like it is the fight of my life....and like Liz Gilbert:

IT IS! IT IS! IT IS!

I began this blog as part of my study. To examine the roots of all this weight. To unthread it all....the pain, the loss, the anger...the WHATEVER THE HELL THE PROBLEM IS!
WHAT IS IT?!
It has NEVER been easy for me...this fight. I often feel that I come to the ring ill-equip to stand my ground. I mean, weight gain seems to have been at this way longer than weight loss.

It is not about being trained for the fight, it is about being equip to enter the training ring and having the stamina to remain standing!



I am in search of God's grace for ME! I need to extend his grace out towards myself for the wrong doing I feel I have inflicted upon myself. I spend everyday taking care of people, asking how they are, looking into their pain and reflecting back the possibility of peace and happiness.

I must do this for Wyneshia....I must become my MOST VALUED client.

Weigh-in with words!