I am PISSED...typed an ENTIRE entry that was LOST by a single key stroke...and after the DREADED key stroke the fucking system SAVED the BLANK document! SHITBALLS!
STAY TUNEDFOLKS!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Weighting in the Wings
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it...You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert
"Just keep swimming" Dorie
Participate RELENTLESSLY in the manifestation of your own BLESSINGS! I am not sure where in the book this quote appears, but it is ONE of my favorites. I mean...can you get any more passionate than RELENTLESS PARTICIPATION? I think not!
Have I relentlessly participated in my weight loss? I am not sure. I have relentlessly participated in dance. OH YES! Now THAT was relentless participation. That level of participation yielded the most wonderful results: ABSOLUTE HAPPINESS! This weight on the other hand.......well that has often ONLY yielded the most painful of pains. The most miserable of losses: the dance.
WHY you might ask?
Well where I came from (in dance) FAT did NOT equal dancer...at least not at the undergraduate level. High School was an interesting time for a young overweight dancer. I have kept this down and quiet, but I remember a girl choreographed this FIERCE dance hall piece (Reggae) to Buju's Dickie Dickie song (FIERCE I remind you). I had the dance down and I just knew I would be in the piece. Now, if you know ANYTHING about dancehall pieces or dance halls you will know that there is often very little on the dancer. Soooooooooooooo, when the student choreographer chose her costumes (koochie cuter shorts and beaded bras) it was CLEAR that I would NOT be dancing in that piece. THAT and the fact that the teacher calmly said to me: "you would not want to be on stage with that on...trust me."
Although I am paraphrasing, he made it very clear to me that I would not fit into THAT costume. And I KNEW damned well that I did NOT want to be on a HS stage bulging out of my costume. That knowledge did not ease the pain I experienced because I was TOO BIG for the costume. I look around (in my mind) the room of my memory and I see ONLY 1 or 2 other "Big" girls in the class and only 1 other "big" girl in the Ensemble. I wonder how I was able to continue dancing. I mean I was NEVER smaller than the Large (size) in anything.
God, it was TERRIBLE, but it never stopped me.
I auditioned for the HS Dance Ensemble and made it in.
I was in the large scale Ensemble pieces and often was able to choreograph (not my greatest strength)a few pieces, take Master classes with all guest choreographers...I was "just like everyone else" in sooooooo many ways except one: I was fat. It never stopped me from dancing.....just held me back from certain pieces. If left me waiting in the wings.
I often felt that I was on the periphery of the circle of "real dancers," but I always felt like a pretty good dancer. It's weird to think of it that way. I guess I knew that I was not slim like the others, but I also knew that I was NOT a bad dancer. And when the teacher told me about college dance programs he told me about SUNY Brockport. He told me that Garth Fagan taught there. He told me that Gath was Jamaican and had begun his company in NYC and that he has choreographed the Lion King on Broadway. He said I should go there and try to study with him. Me? Study with Garth Fagan?
......to be continued....
Oh yeah: Last week I was UP 2.2 (240)lbs and this week I was DOWN 2.2 lbs (238.8).
— Elizabeth Gilbert
"Just keep swimming" Dorie
Participate RELENTLESSLY in the manifestation of your own BLESSINGS! I am not sure where in the book this quote appears, but it is ONE of my favorites. I mean...can you get any more passionate than RELENTLESS PARTICIPATION? I think not!
Have I relentlessly participated in my weight loss? I am not sure. I have relentlessly participated in dance. OH YES! Now THAT was relentless participation. That level of participation yielded the most wonderful results: ABSOLUTE HAPPINESS! This weight on the other hand.......well that has often ONLY yielded the most painful of pains. The most miserable of losses: the dance.
WHY you might ask?
Well where I came from (in dance) FAT did NOT equal dancer...at least not at the undergraduate level. High School was an interesting time for a young overweight dancer. I have kept this down and quiet, but I remember a girl choreographed this FIERCE dance hall piece (Reggae) to Buju's Dickie Dickie song (FIERCE I remind you). I had the dance down and I just knew I would be in the piece. Now, if you know ANYTHING about dancehall pieces or dance halls you will know that there is often very little on the dancer. Soooooooooooooo, when the student choreographer chose her costumes (koochie cuter shorts and beaded bras) it was CLEAR that I would NOT be dancing in that piece. THAT and the fact that the teacher calmly said to me: "you would not want to be on stage with that on...trust me."
Although I am paraphrasing, he made it very clear to me that I would not fit into THAT costume. And I KNEW damned well that I did NOT want to be on a HS stage bulging out of my costume. That knowledge did not ease the pain I experienced because I was TOO BIG for the costume. I look around (in my mind) the room of my memory and I see ONLY 1 or 2 other "Big" girls in the class and only 1 other "big" girl in the Ensemble. I wonder how I was able to continue dancing. I mean I was NEVER smaller than the Large (size) in anything.
God, it was TERRIBLE, but it never stopped me.
I auditioned for the HS Dance Ensemble and made it in.
I was in the large scale Ensemble pieces and often was able to choreograph (not my greatest strength)a few pieces, take Master classes with all guest choreographers...I was "just like everyone else" in sooooooo many ways except one: I was fat. It never stopped me from dancing.....just held me back from certain pieces. If left me waiting in the wings.
I often felt that I was on the periphery of the circle of "real dancers," but I always felt like a pretty good dancer. It's weird to think of it that way. I guess I knew that I was not slim like the others, but I also knew that I was NOT a bad dancer. And when the teacher told me about college dance programs he told me about SUNY Brockport. He told me that Garth Fagan taught there. He told me that Gath was Jamaican and had begun his company in NYC and that he has choreographed the Lion King on Broadway. He said I should go there and try to study with him. Me? Study with Garth Fagan?
......to be continued....
Oh yeah: Last week I was UP 2.2 (240)lbs and this week I was DOWN 2.2 lbs (238.8).
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Weigh Overboard
Greetings!
It has been several week and I have been splitting my time between work and road trips. Road trips are code for CHEATING! A road trip is (for me) like deciding that you will ride the bus with your leg/arm or half your body hanging out of the bus window. I mean really....here I am, "on" the bus but I am kinda hanging out of the bus also! I will explain more about this in a moment (I was caught up in the land of metaphor...or something)
My sister, her baby and I hit the road to NYC on July 3rd in preparation for a family gathering on July 4th. With the food journal in my bag, (AKA: my written confessions of the good, the bad and deliciously chocolate) I headed up 270 toward Gettysburg, PA and parts further North. I cannot tell you what I ate, but I can tell you that it was NOT prepared at home and it had NOTHING to do with lettuce, fruit or anything as healthy as all that! I do not think that we were actually armed with ANYTHING that would have been helpful to me except WATER!
We stopped in Dillsburg, PA at the Giant Supermarket where we purchased these would-be delicious chicken breast and cheese sandwiches. The good news is that they were freshly prepared but the bad news; Well they were prepared in this terribly sweet bread and there as sooooooooo much meat I could barely bite the thing without unhinging my jaw! It was a BUST but we had to eat something right...? By the time we landed on Fulton Street I was starved and I had to pee! After stopping in Lane Bryant, Conway, the Children's Place, Macy's Rainbow and Dr, Jay's, we were ready to head upstate to Kelli's....but first: when downtown Brooklyn you MUST eat from a street vendor! Soooooooooooo, I had a shish kebob and a Pepsi (notice I left out the diet part) and Ashley had a hotdog and!
Once we reached Kelli's it was smooth sailing: Grilled chicken and steak with salad and water/wine and MORE WATER! Sunday morning it was eggs and a bagel (Gotta love NY bagels) with coffee and MORE WATER! Lunch was left over food from grill (hot dog) and then it was off to the July 4th cookout! Upstairs we head to put on our clothes and we hit the road, get lost arrive late and after all the food was put away! WHAT THE HECK?! Anyway we are saved by my aunt who gets us 2 plates of food: ribs, candied yams, collard greens, bakes ziti and cornbread stuffin'! OMG can you say CHEATING? I mean I was no longer even on my seat in the bus; I had FALLEN OUT OF THE WINDOW for Christ’s sake!
So, I will save you the drama of the trip home that should have taken 5/6 hrs but instead took 9hours in 101 degrees!
I arrived back home and missed bit the Monday class and the weigh in but on Wednesday I went to the Weigh in and the results:
239!
SHIT!
DAMN!
YAY!
Well, I guess I should be glad that there was NOT a gain with all the MADNESS I was eating!
More on this for Monday's weigh-in!
See you then!
Stay tuned!
It has been several week and I have been splitting my time between work and road trips. Road trips are code for CHEATING! A road trip is (for me) like deciding that you will ride the bus with your leg/arm or half your body hanging out of the bus window. I mean really....here I am, "on" the bus but I am kinda hanging out of the bus also! I will explain more about this in a moment (I was caught up in the land of metaphor...or something)
My sister, her baby and I hit the road to NYC on July 3rd in preparation for a family gathering on July 4th. With the food journal in my bag, (AKA: my written confessions of the good, the bad and deliciously chocolate) I headed up 270 toward Gettysburg, PA and parts further North. I cannot tell you what I ate, but I can tell you that it was NOT prepared at home and it had NOTHING to do with lettuce, fruit or anything as healthy as all that! I do not think that we were actually armed with ANYTHING that would have been helpful to me except WATER!
We stopped in Dillsburg, PA at the Giant Supermarket where we purchased these would-be delicious chicken breast and cheese sandwiches. The good news is that they were freshly prepared but the bad news; Well they were prepared in this terribly sweet bread and there as sooooooooo much meat I could barely bite the thing without unhinging my jaw! It was a BUST but we had to eat something right...? By the time we landed on Fulton Street I was starved and I had to pee! After stopping in Lane Bryant, Conway, the Children's Place, Macy's Rainbow and Dr, Jay's, we were ready to head upstate to Kelli's....but first: when downtown Brooklyn you MUST eat from a street vendor! Soooooooooooo, I had a shish kebob and a Pepsi (notice I left out the diet part) and Ashley had a hotdog and!
Once we reached Kelli's it was smooth sailing: Grilled chicken and steak with salad and water/wine and MORE WATER! Sunday morning it was eggs and a bagel (Gotta love NY bagels) with coffee and MORE WATER! Lunch was left over food from grill (hot dog) and then it was off to the July 4th cookout! Upstairs we head to put on our clothes and we hit the road, get lost arrive late and after all the food was put away! WHAT THE HECK?! Anyway we are saved by my aunt who gets us 2 plates of food: ribs, candied yams, collard greens, bakes ziti and cornbread stuffin'! OMG can you say CHEATING? I mean I was no longer even on my seat in the bus; I had FALLEN OUT OF THE WINDOW for Christ’s sake!
So, I will save you the drama of the trip home that should have taken 5/6 hrs but instead took 9hours in 101 degrees!
I arrived back home and missed bit the Monday class and the weigh in but on Wednesday I went to the Weigh in and the results:
239!
SHIT!
DAMN!
YAY!
Well, I guess I should be glad that there was NOT a gain with all the MADNESS I was eating!
More on this for Monday's weigh-in!
See you then!
Stay tuned!
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