A Fern by any other name.....

I think of my mother often. She was a Capricorn. She was the youngest sister of 3. She was raised in Brooklyn, NewYork. She was sassy. She was funny. She was so many things and I want to remember all that she was with words, sights and sounds.

It's funny when you begin to think of someone who has died, often you begin with the "good" memories and as you flip through you are often confronted with the other "not so good" memories. That is not actually the case here. I mean, it is not to say that my mother was an agel (becasue she was not), but the fact of the matter is that she was MY angel. She was many things to me that she was not to others and I have decided to make no apologies about that. I remember my mother the way I remember her...that is what makes her MINE. She is MINE in that I rememebr her in my way, on my terms.... That is how memories are....they are shaped and colored, positioned and propped up by individual context.

I was thinking about her becasue my sister told me that she dreams of her often. I cannot remember ever dreaming about her except on the night I found out that she was dead. I dreamed of her then and only then. Never again.

I was on the Canary Islands (Gran Canarias)visiting a very good friend. I had retired to my room for the night and in my sleep I heard her calling me: "Neshia..." It was weird really, I felt the wind blowing through the room (was a window open?). I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the foot of the bed...."I love you." That is all I remember. I do not know if that is an accurate memory, but it is what I have. I remember thinking, "that was weird."

Why am I doing this you might ask?

I am doing this for her mother who has lost her, for her sister who has loved her, for her friend who is without her, for her grandson who misses her and for her grandaughter who will never know her.

Finally, I am doing this for her lovely daughters, for they remember her....differently.