When last I wrote (4 months ago) I was not stressed as much as IN SHOCK. I was trying to make sense of the death of my grandmother and what it meant for me and my family line. It's weird really, thinking of a "family line." What the heck does that even mean in a small, African American family dominated by women. Can you even have a a family line with only women?
This is a new thought and not at all in line with what I intended to write when I sat down. I'd decided to write about seeking relief from stress and worry, but it seems that it is out of my reach as I open the door to a topic (unplanned) about something that stresses me out.
What is left of our dysfunctional itsy bitsy, teenie weenie "family" with my grandmother gone? Even using the work "family" makes me itch a little. It is, by my eye, more a gathering of people who have a few common ancestors. It is sad in that I do not know if what I remember of my "family" is accurate. Have I re-drafted my family picture to portray what I would like it to have been? Loving, close, committed, dedicated to family values and each other. Often I think this is the case. I often sit back, take a good look at my family and wonder how I can be SO MUCH closer to my friends. So much closer to people that I share NO blood and NO common ancestors (mostly), no childhood Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays, communions, confirmations.....
It breaks my heart when I see other people with their families and they seem so close, they seem to understand each other, they seem to love each other and they seem to want to be together, even when its difficult.
**I do realize that the word seem comes up a lot here**
It breaks my heart when I think of what I was told my my mother : "family is important, its all you have," "your sister, she is all you have if I am not here."
I guess the focus here is on my sister/s. They are in fact ALL I HAVE of my mother. They seem to be what holds me to this earth and to my definition of family.But we are only 3.
And the weight of that....is often unbearable to me.
~weigh-in with words
i had my chart done a few years back (yes yes I know, crazy in itself!) but one of the things that came up was that i will always be looking for my own family...
ReplyDeletei bring this up as it is in part relevant, though perhaps we do view family as being quite different things. so here is my rambling...
i still have my nuclear family around me, aunts, uncles and cousins both in the area and far away...and though my sister (only one as i have lost the other sibling already) and i have tried to stay close, my nephew makes that a lot harder. and until a year ago, i couldnt really have cared less about any of my extended family - now i have one cousin i am closer too...but regardless of this - it is not my own family.
there are those cultures that when one marries, one leaves their own family and becomes a member of the family that they marry into. families are apparently transferable!
for a while i thought searching for my own family must mean that i needed to start my own family...but that is not what i really felt about this statement. its weird too when your partner's family considers you family - do you then have to consider them family back? like it has been said (partly in jest) that i am the favorite grandchild by the slagel matriarch, but not even being married, i certainly wouldnt consider myself a grandchild! and nor would i consider them family.
of course why are you only allowed one of the other. here i suppose one gains a family when one marries. you become part of another in addition to your own. but why stop there? why not have more families still...step families or families of friends or schoolmates... for me family is what you make of it - as you say you are closer to those you are not related to by blood. maybe its friends, or classmates or co-workers - each its own family of sorts. maybe ive already lost many families, a college family, a grad school family...the family i grew up in verses the family i have now that includes my nephew and sister's partner as well as my own.
deciding where you belong - then creating your idea of family...but there it is then isnt it, slipped out before i even really formed the thought. for me, it has always been about a sense of belonging. i have never felt i belonged in this nuclear family, in this extended family, within school circles, or within a work place. always putting myself on the outside - its about me accepting me first and then finding i belong in ways that i determine, not someone else...and can therefore define my own families however i see fit.
you are my blogger/writer family, which i dont get to chat with or see quite enough! :O)
I do not know if this will work. It seems that I have either been "signed out" or disallowed access to this blog. I planned to begin another entry tonight/this morning only to realize that there is a new Google format for all of this! YIKES! Sooooo, I am hoping that posting this comment will allow me to see if I am in fact signed out or not. If you get this, let me know.
ReplyDelete~Wy