Weighting for Relief...

"Stress is the physical and psychological effects we experience as a result of the way we react to changes in the surrounding environment" ~Pavel Stoyanov

When last I wrote (4 months ago) I was not stressed as much as IN SHOCK. I was trying to make sense of the death of my grandmother and what it meant for me and my family line. It's weird really, thinking of a "family line." What the heck does that even mean in a small, African American family dominated by women. Can you even have a a family line with only women?

This is a new thought and not at all in line with what I intended to write when I sat down. I'd decided to write about seeking relief from stress and worry, but it seems that it is out of my reach as I open the door to a topic (unplanned) about something that stresses me out.

What is left of our dysfunctional itsy bitsy, teenie weenie "family" with my grandmother gone? Even using the work "family" makes me itch a little. It is, by my eye, more a gathering of people who have a few common ancestors. It is sad in that I do not know if what I remember of my "family" is accurate. Have I re-drafted my family picture to portray what I would like it to have been? Loving, close, committed, dedicated to family values and each other. Often I think this is the case. I often sit back, take a good look at my family and wonder how I can be SO MUCH closer to my friends. So much closer to people that I share NO blood and NO common ancestors (mostly), no childhood Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays, communions, confirmations.....

It breaks my heart when I see other people with their families and they seem so close, they seem to understand each other, they seem to love each other and they seem to want to be together, even when its difficult.

**I do realize that the word seem comes up a lot here**

It breaks my heart when I think of what I was told my my mother : "family is important, its all you have," "your sister, she is all you have if I am not here." I guess the focus here is on my sister/s. They are in fact ALL I HAVE of my mother. They seem to be what holds me to this earth and to my definition of family.



But we are only 3.

And the weight of that....is often unbearable to me.


~weigh-in with words

Weighting.......

"Experience life in all possible ways -- good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light, summer-winter. Experience all the dualities. Don't be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more mature you become." OSHO

Dualities...

OSHO offers insight (as usual) into life experiences as represented by dualities or polarities as it were or should be. He offers that by doing this, by experiencing life in ALL POSSIBLE ways, we gain maturity.

Was it in fact meant for us to experience all these things ALL AT ONCE? The bitter and the sweet, the good and the bad, the dark and the light...

ALL AT ONCE?

Well, that is where I find myself. In the dark and the light, hot and cold, bitter and sweet. I feel as if I am experiencing these things all at once and it is NOT a good feeling.

It was with great anticipation that I welcomed the new year.

With a slow, but steady success rate in the weight loss battle,

approached 2011 as the year that I would MASTER many things.

Master my weight loss approach, Master my writing strategies, Master my therapeutic interventions, Master my relationships, Master my money management skills...and the list goes on.

Instead the new year began with huge losses.

On January 3rd I was terminated as a result of a Reduction In Force, a RIF as they call it.

Four days later I received a call informing me that my grandmother had died...

And then my car started making crazy sounds!

"I mean, really!?," I thought out loud.

"Seriously?"

I looked up in the direction of God and asked:

"Am I being punked?!"

It felt like NONE of this was really happening.

Actually, it felt more like it SHOULD NOT be happening.

Sadly, it was all very real.

All the pain, the confusion, the anger...the feelings of loss.

Still...I was able to experience a strange sense of peace...maybe a bit of balance & relief.

For a brief moment in time I was RELIEVED, RELEASED in a way...

...SHORT LIVED...

Of course there was also a sense of worry about what I would do next.

Who would hire me?

Would I be able to pay my rent?

My car note?

GEICO?!?

"...Don't be afraid of experience...the more experience you have the more mature you become..."

This new year has brought me yet another level of maturity (according to OSHO).

Maturity...as I drove up the New Jersey Turnpike to prepare for funeral arrangements...

Maturity...as I pumped myself up to walk into my grandmother's house knowing she would not be there....that she would never be there again...

Maturity...as I wondered how I was going to keep it together....how ANY of us were going to keep it together...

Maturity...as I walked off the elevator and faced the door: 5A, the door read....

Maturity...My life is forever changed...

Maturity...as I "weight" for the pain to pass and the peace to plant itself deep inside my chest.....

...our experiences: bitter/sweet, good/bad, dark/light...

...maturity...

...dualities...

...maturity...

~Weigh in with words

Weighting for Balance: Taking back my STUFF!

"Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff....and he doesn't even know he has it....hey come back here with my stuff" For Colored Girls

These lines from Ntozake Shange's choreopoem really resonate with me.

They always have.

From the day I heard them tumble from the mouth of a student actor at the University of Ghana, they have taken up residence in my heart, my mind and my soul.

I had never really thought about this phenomenon until I heard the words roll off her tongue. As I looked down at my copy of the script, I realized that it is a common occurrence for women in relationships. As I looked around at the women in the room, each of them reading along and looking up as the lines were delivered....each of them...remembering when it had happened to them...each of them...wondering if it was happening to them at that very moment, as they take part in this production...as they sit in this rehearsal room....was someone walking off with their "stuff?"

Recently, I heard the words again. This time I was sitting in a movie theater, watching the choreopoem come to life in afilm directed ny Tyler Perry.

"Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff...." the actress stated.

How often do we allow people to take things from us, (our dignity, our power, our choice, our confidence, our peace of mind) place them in a brown paper bag and

just

walk

off.......

sometimes leaving town with it.....OUR STUFF?

Leave town with OUR STUFF!??????

How often have we watched them disarm us, unhindge us, unravel us.....simply relieve us of our stuff and walk away...leaving us with nothing of what we were when we encountered them?

I have allowed someone or something to relieve me of my BALANCE.

They must have taken it when I had my back turned, creeping up behind me with silent steps and ZAP....just like that...it was GONE!

They caught me unaware, undefended, unmindful.

Someone just walked off with my balance and I want it back:

"Hey, come back here with my balance...I need it!" I need it to get through the day...today, tomorrow and the next.

"Hey man, come back here with my balance...I was planning on using it this week."

"Did you ask to take it, did you leave me a receipt?! "

I am coming to take back my stuff and you betta' be ready!


I hit the 5% weight loss goal.....12 POUNDS!

Weigh in with words!

A Fern by any other name.....

I think of my mother often. She was a Capricorn. She was the youngest sister of 3. She was raised in Brooklyn, NewYork. She was sassy. She was funny. She was so many things and I want to remember all that she was with words, sights and sounds.

It's funny when you begin to think of someone who has died, often you begin with the "good" memories and as you flip through you are often confronted with the other "not so good" memories. That is not actually the case here. I mean, it is not to say that my mother was an agel (becasue she was not), but the fact of the matter is that she was MY angel. She was many things to me that she was not to others and I have decided to make no apologies about that. I remember my mother the way I remember her...that is what makes her MINE. She is MINE in that I rememebr her in my way, on my terms.... That is how memories are....they are shaped and colored, positioned and propped up by individual context.

I was thinking about her becasue my sister told me that she dreams of her often. I cannot remember ever dreaming about her except on the night I found out that she was dead. I dreamed of her then and only then. Never again.

I was on the Canary Islands (Gran Canarias)visiting a very good friend. I had retired to my room for the night and in my sleep I heard her calling me: "Neshia..." It was weird really, I felt the wind blowing through the room (was a window open?). I opened my eyes to see her sitting on the foot of the bed...."I love you." That is all I remember. I do not know if that is an accurate memory, but it is what I have. I remember thinking, "that was weird."

Why am I doing this you might ask?

I am doing this for her mother who has lost her, for her sister who has loved her, for her friend who is without her, for her grandson who misses her and for her grandaughter who will never know her.

Finally, I am doing this for her lovely daughters, for they remember her....differently.

Weighting....again

"No doubt you've had times in your life when you've totally understood the expression: There but for the grace of God go I. Attempt to be that grace of God, and extend it to all you believe have wronged you." Wayne Dyer

October 11th is the 284th day of the year. On this day I am invited by my guru: Wayne Dyer to extend God's grace to those who have wronged me.

What if it's ME who has wronged me?

That is what I thought when I finished reading the passage. I feel a terrible sense of....blame/criticism of myself. I feel that I have wronged myself. I am still quite off track....having falling of the proverbial wagon one might say. I have lost my way. I am weighting again...OH NO!

"What has happened?" I ask myself.

I am pulled back into my new favorite book Eat, Pray, Love. I remember the words:

"I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was. I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair?"

I remember this part of the book, because I was so worried that the depression and loneliness would come back and drag her down into the deepest whole and in Italy of all places where she has found a huge part of herself. Where she has began her journey of healing.
Sigh....this is how I have been feeling lately....like the fat demons of weigh gain have tracked me down. Not letting me up off the ropes....knocking me down with a 1, 2 punch....a TKO if you will. I too feel like I have been at this weight-thing like it is the fight of my life....and like Liz Gilbert:

IT IS! IT IS! IT IS!

I began this blog as part of my study. To examine the roots of all this weight. To unthread it all....the pain, the loss, the anger...the WHATEVER THE HELL THE PROBLEM IS!
WHAT IS IT?!
It has NEVER been easy for me...this fight. I often feel that I come to the ring ill-equip to stand my ground. I mean, weight gain seems to have been at this way longer than weight loss.

It is not about being trained for the fight, it is about being equip to enter the training ring and having the stamina to remain standing!



I am in search of God's grace for ME! I need to extend his grace out towards myself for the wrong doing I feel I have inflicted upon myself. I spend everyday taking care of people, asking how they are, looking into their pain and reflecting back the possibility of peace and happiness.

I must do this for Wyneshia....I must become my MOST VALUED client.

Weigh-in with words!

Weight a Minute!

"Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And it, like death, it takes you from one dimension into another". OSHO on Transformation

So its been a FULL month since last I "weighed in" with my own thoughts and comments. In my last post I was "Weighting for Inspiration." Why?

Well I was felling uninspired in many ways. I have not been to WW in a few weeks, but I did manage to get to a "yoga" class. Why the " "marks you might ask. Well, it was the oddest class I had ever been in and I am NOT going back! I have not been "back" to many things in this month. I have not been "back to yoga," or "back to hip hop", or " back to WW," or "back to writing." I have not been BACK AT ALL...except maybe back sliding!

So, I turn to my handy dandy OSHO Tarot for some inspiration and find this card on Transformation: "....in its own time...takes you from one dimension into another." I like the sound of that. I am in need of a dimension shift. It sounds like a paradigm shift right? Well whatever it is...I need it bad!

I have been on hold for a minute and I need to be reengaged, plugged back in...I need to join the program already in progress......

To bring this idea home I am compelled to re-visit the work of Iyanla Vanzant in Until Today.

"I am not receptive to the idea that I am capable of doing everything better the next time. The prefix re means to do again. What a blessing! Just think, you can re-peat a lesson, at no charge, until you get it right. You can re-group after a setback, in order to gather your wits and your strength." Iyanla Vanzant

WHAT A BLESSING!

There has been a SETBACK and I need to RE-GROUP....WHAT A BLESSING!

I am ready for NEXT TIME: NOW!

Weigh in with words!

Weighting for Inspiration

"There is no way to be in-Spirit without a changed awareness -So when you accomplish this, you give yourself the gift of moving from being flawed, limited, lacking, and imperfect to being completely comfortable with your magnificence" ~Wayne Dyer

I recognize that I am not in this place yet. I often think that I have a changed awareness and maybe sometimes that is true.

I also recognize that this is EXACTLY where I WANT to be...AT ALL TIMES.

In Spirit.

Completely comfortable with my own magnificence.

"God dwells in me AS ME..." Elizabeth Gilbert

I am reminded of that line from Eat Pray Love....what a comforting thought to remember at the very moment that I begin to dive into the land of self loathing and disappointment...chiding myself for what I have or have not done this week or the last.

God dwells in me AS ME...in all my imperfections I remain a child of God....worthy of his love and the love of others, the love of self. Hmmmmmm.............where the heck did THAT come from?

An interesting place, the mind, very interesting place. Many winding roads, forks, unpaved paths and overgrown labyrinths.

When I went to sleep last night I decided that Monday would be FRESH START (Take 105) on the weigh loss journey----I realize that it REALLY IS a J-O-U-R-N-E-Y. I mean, SERIOUSLY, a perpetual journey in many ways----I decided that I would eat "the good eat" in this battle (oops, I meant JOURNEY) of better eating and better living! I decided that eventhough the Biggest Loser ended and I was not by any stretch of the imagination "The BIggest Loser," I was determined NOT to FEEL like a LOSER....a real loser ( and not of weight I might add).

Sooooooooooooooooo, off I went to work and I almost lost it around lunch time when I decided to go with a co-worker tp Panera for lunch. Well Iwas ableto make it thorugh with the "You Choose 2" menu. I chose the Chicken Ceaser sandwich ( LUV SANDWICHES) and the Chicken Cobb salad....

...."whew....I made it" I thought as I sat down with a cup of ice water(yay me!).

After a GREWLING day I decided to head home bc I was STARVING! I drove toward my house thinking to myself "I can miss the Weight Watchers meeting tonight (I haven't been in several weeks), I am soooo tired and today was a BUST." Then a tiny voice said loudly: "COWARD!"

"Who me?" I replied

"Yeah you, who else is in this car dumbass?!"

"Well, I am not a coward, I am just soo tired and I have a headache." I responded defensively

"SO what," the voice replied, "you had a heachache this morning and you will have the SAME headache later, GO ANYWAY!" the voice commanded.

"But, I...." I stammered.

"If you chicken out now, it will be another week missed, because the rest of the week will be IMPOSSIBLE." the voice reminded me.

Dang it....I went and I was DOWN .8lbs

I sighed.

"That's almost a pound" The lady at the front desk reminds me....

"Yes, you are right...almost a pound."

Today's Weight: 238.2 (Total weight loss 10.2 lbs)

Weigh-In with words via the Blog or email! Hearing from you let's me know that I am NOT a LONE traveler!